It’s always great going over there; there is Jillian, Ryan, Shane, and Kaila was even there today. Although I nag Ryan and flirt with Kaila and joke with Jillian and do Shane’s homework project, it never ceases to amaze me. I mean, it never is really productive, but I love having Jillian as a friend. A real friend. I typically don’t get those, I hate relying on the internet. Yeah, she’s really my only local friend, but that doesn’t make up who she is.
So, it turns out that there is a scholarship for gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgender. It’s a good 2,000 dollar scholarship and it’s due March 22. I need three letters of recommendation though, who is going to recommend me? I mean, I haven’t got a lot of things to back me up. No sports, no honor society. The only thing I’m really apart of is the GSA, so maybe I should just go for it, you know? Who ever thought society would back out of their asses to acknowledge our taboo? I’m proud to be bisexual, and I know this scholarship would do a lot for me. Would my parents be proud that I was awarded a scholarship? They should, but would they second guess it because I’m bisexual? Why is it that some people overlook the good things. My dad would be proud for me getting a scholarship, meaning less money we have to pay, I know that. But maybe my mom would feel ashamed, maybe she’d find me disgusting.
Putting my cares behind me should be simple enough. I mean, I’m going to see someone I’ve been mad crushin’ on for awhile, but it should be easy. I’m going to take it by force and leave it all behind, leave her all behind. Because this is what I do. I don’t let anyone have a grasp on my heart, and letting go is just easier than holding on. I’m going to be friends with her, that’s what she wants afterall. What good is it getting what I want anyway? I’m just a single fuck.
I love being asked to go places. I love kissing cheeks. I love inside jokes. I love, “Wanna hang out?” text messages. I love road trips. I love being dependable. I love being asked how I feel. I love trust. I love my confidence. I love grabbing a bite to eat. I love talking about girl/boy troubles. I love stopping by. I love giving gifts. I love having a purpose.
None of these things would be possible without my friends.<3
I am now eating vegan once a week, in addition to being veggitarian. I also looked up the list of what companies do and do not animal test on some PETA site. I am no longer buying make up , shampoo, etc. from any company that conducts animal testing. I feel quite proud of myself, right now.
Yeah seriously! I’ve been vegetarian for three years and I still have these people who will be like, “Oh I tried, I couldn’t do it.” Well, obviously they didn’t want it enough in the first place.
Now Jillian already gave her explaination on what had happened, but I’m going to give my side of the story, just like ever great story has to have.
Alright, so at the end of the school day, Jillian and Clair agreed to help me with my photography project, and it was a nice enough day. So we walked to my car in the tennis court parking lots and we left for my house after stopping at Wawa. Once at my house, we sat for a little bit and then decided to take a walk, so I brought my camera for some snapshots. Well we got to the pond, and Jillian, feeling spontaneous, decides to step on the “frozen” pond. She struts around for a couple of minutes, then gets Calir to get on with her. She wanted me to go, but I had my camera and I juust didn’t want to slip. Proving that by me falling on snow before even stepping on the ice. So I just sat back and watched.
As I watched them walk around, Jillian asks me, “How deep is it?” and I assured her that I didn’t think it was too deep. Life being the way it is, thirty second after she asked that, Clai fell in. She looked so scared as she fell and was trying to get to her phone to throw it on the ice (though I don’t know why that mattered) Jillian and I didn’t know if we should laugh or be serious, we hadn’t noticed it was that deep. So because Jillian was already out there, she goes to help Clair and is pulled down into the ice herself. As for me, I didn’t know what to do. I was dazed with thoughts from trying to analyze what to do! I knew I couldn’t go out there, because I would be sure to fall through. Luckily enough, some man was nearby and helped me coach them to pull themselves out. He offered them blankets as I ran to my house to get my car. Clair’s phone got left behind, but they made it out okay.
So some scarey situation turned out pretty commical. I went and got rice for Jillian’s phone, hopefully that’ll help it work. But if not she could get another one if she wanted. After all this, I hung out with Jillian some more and watched a movie. Now I feel myself propping my legs against a table or chair and saying, “What a day.”
Accentuated by the mobile dungeon of fluorescence As I fall out of love, this wasn’t supposed to happen Not according to you
Please don’t allow your voice to fade Don’t fall so weak to fault the blame To give yourself reason for an end
We’d have our own subway car in the middle of the night I’d work the same job, play the same bars on every weekend As the graffiti scrolls by
Please don’t allow your voice to fade Don’t fall so weak to fault the blame To give yourself reason for an end
At the end of your low you pin my shoulders against the mattress Arching your frame with stomach pushed outward Your head tilting back with your mouth slightly open The sounds slur and elevate slowly in volume When you wake with your family gathered around Remember that our love was true And I will not allow you to destroy yourself
Yes, a girl growing up in a small town who has always had huge dreams got into a University. It means a lot to me and I’m so glad that I had Jillian with me when I got the news. I was so dumbfounded at first, I couldn’t believe it! Today turned out to be a good day afterall. Jillian and I have decided that we’re going to room together when she graduates early (because I know she’s capable of it) and in those two years, we can be chilling and everything. Once all of this high school shit is out of the way, since we both are so over it and all, we’re set. This is a great kick in the ass for me to do something with my life.
I’m able to get on Tumblr on the school computers, this is great, this is fantastic. I still need to get on fixing my computer, li3k seriously. Now I should think of something creative to say for my one post a day for Tumblr. But all I’m doing is procrastinating from doing my photography work, even if it looks just fine to me. So I’m declaring myself as done, I really want to go to Jenna’s house, or pick her up in some kind of suave fashion. But I’m a high school student that is limited in everything. At least I got enough sleep last night right? Yeah, I know, I’m not writing anything that flows. Muuuuur.
I miss wasting my life on tumblr and miss my computer, stupid virus. What fuckers would think themselves cool destroying other people’s lives? Muur, I just want to drive forty minutes out of my way to go see her and just maybe watch her as she searches on her computer. That would give me some of the satisfaction back.
My laptop has a virus and won’t turn on from some unknown cause and I have to say that its upsetting. I mean, I’m on my brother’s desktop now but it just isn’t the same because I can’t go on it all the time. It’s like I’m supposed to fuck shit up, because my hands simply break everything that I touch. This isn’t baller, not at all. So I think I’m going to spend my time playing Kingdom Hearts for the DS and beat it, maybe I’ll text someone as well. I’m also tired, but pancakes were good this morning.
I want to just, lay in the snow and sooner or later become a part of it. I’ll be pure and decent in my remaining hours and everyone will hate me for being in their way. They will for once look more selfish than I am and I will lay there in my pleasant sleep. When the sun begins to warm, I’ll melt into the Earth and work toward making it a better place. I’ll be the foundation of lover’s walks as well as the ground for sport team’s practices, causing their win. Yeah, I’ll get shit on and yeah, I’ll have materialistic things built on me. But how would I know the good things if there were no bad?
I really like writing about my friends because the ones I can actually call a friend deserve at least that. Jillian in particular though, she is a definite best on this list. I told her I was tumbling about her, that phrase alone in all it’s glory is fantastic. She just has always been there, if not physically, mentally. She keeps people in her best interest, even if she claims to hate everyone. It’s okay to be gaurded you know? But no one can appreciate that. She also gives good advice, from everything I’ve let her in on, she remembers it to show you that she actually listens to you. When really, people now just wait till you’re finished talking so they can say what they want to say. Listening and hearing are different things. You can hear the person stop talking, doesn’t mean you listened to what was said. Jillian is also always up for a good time you know? Not a Debbie Downer, though she still keeps a head on her shoulders though.
There are a million other qualities, and I’m not saying all this because I’m up her ass or clingy. I just actually respect all my friends. I will tell them when they mean something to me. So if any of you laugh and tell me that I’m lame for thinking highly of her, a big “fuck off” will be handed to you. Just thought I’d let her know that she’s incredible, and that I love her.
“Other bands, it’s about sex. Or pain. Or some fantasy. But The Beatles, they knew what they were doing. You know the reason The Beatles made it so big? ‘I Wanna Hold Your Hand.” First single. Fucking brilliant. Perhaps the most fucking brilliant song ever written. Because they nailed it. Thats what everyone wants. Not 24-7 hot wet sex. Not a marriage that lasts a hundred years. Not a Porche or a blow job or a million-dollar crib. No. They wanna hold your hand. They have such a feeling that ‘they can’t hide’. Every single successful love song of the past fifty years can be traced back to ‘I Wanna Hold Your Hand.’ And every single successful love story has those unbearable and unbearably exciting moments of hand-holding. Trust me. I’ve thought a lot about this.”—Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist by Rachel Cohn & David Levithan
Sometimes you can’t elaborate something, it can’t always come naturally. Writers and poets, and singers, and theropists, and philosophers, and even the common people. We have to realize that you can’t describe everything to someone. You can’t give your girlfriend, or boyfriend, whichever applies what they want to hear. You know what I’m talking about, “But WHY do you love me?” It’s just what is. Like a different language, you can’t ask them why, to them it’s just what is. Maybe this is why I can’t stand Valentines Day, because it makes people believe they have these feelings by telling them in a fancy card. They’ll have long catchy phrases, but it’s still what is. It is even on those 364 other days, but this day makes everyone nod their heads in agreement and spend more money.
Can’t we all just be satisfied with what we feel? Not what they want us to feel?
(This didn’t flow at all, I’m not proofreading this.)
Now, it’s not like I need anything in particular. I never really need much. I don’t need a phone call every night. I don’t need to be reassured that you’re going to stay with me forever. As for loving me, that isn’t expected, but appreciated nonetheless. In fact, we could just hang out and have a good time. I wouldn’t be a bitch all the time, because I can’t say I like people who bitch. Sure sometimes I’ll rant, and a head nod and a, “Mhm” would even suffice sometimes as listening. Because I can’t say that I don’t do that myself. I could be a tool and mistreat you, but I can make sure that I make it up to you. But if anything, I can acknowledge you with trust and loyalty. That’s just how I am. I don’t want to be married for a hundred years.
I mean, I’m never appreciated. No one ever sees me for what I do, just what I can do. The people that I would do anything for, wouldn’t do the same for me. Am I anyone’s bestfriend? Exactly, because I fucking doubt it. I’m trapped in a world all the same. My optimism is running low, because thats just how it works. I need to run before everyone else does. Second best feels terrible.
Yeah yeah, I’m the wanker now for my complaints. But tumblr is a good enough theropist as any.
She was the comfort that gave me wings. She always knew what to say when I was down or needed to forget about my problems. She made me feel like I belonged no matter what. I’m not saying that she no longer does that, but it’s a lot harder. I want her back. I want to call her up on days where there is no school for a week. And we would just come over and make a horrible batch of hot chocolate and complain. We’d make giant snowballs and laugh at each other for our stunts. The truth is that I miss her, and summer needs to come already.