I have no idea what I’m doing today, I don’t know if I’m going to drive back to my dad’s house or stay here another day. Part of me wants to stay here, but another part of me just wants to get back to help my dad hand out halloween candy like he wanted me to. I don’t know, I’m just kind of really relaxed here. I haven’t cried yet, which is good and bad ‘cause I feel like I might if I go back upstate. It’s not that I’m sad really, but the time here is just a distraction about what I have to deal with all the time. I don’t know where my mom is, I think she’s at church and I want her to come home soon so I can talk to her because Jillian is asleep. I need to go wash my hair again, I don’t think I got all of the dye out.
My mom is being really nice and accommodating. She is suggesting all of these “fun” things for us or me to do today. I wish I could see them as fun, because all I can think about is exercising or drawing. Thats what I really want to do actually, I want to start drawing again because when I get depressed, I tend to draw the best things.
I had a massive breakdown and I had to get out of my house. Everything is piling up and everything is getting to me. Talking to my mom and being in my own room and my own house surrounded by all my familiar things is helping. I wish I wouldn’t cry, but I can’t be so strong anymore. I can’t be careless.
always there for everyone but nobody ever seems to call me, especially not you. Always i’ve been the one to make the effort; youre supposed to be my oldest best friend but I never see you make the effort or work around anything to see me… Not anything. To be honest i’m sick of it and I give up. I…
I’m really depressed an I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to talk to anyone or eat anything. I don’t know if I can stand this feeling of being alone anymore. I cry without any particular purpose and I just really want to go home. Everything is just so fucked up, and I need help and I’m just so scared. I don’t want pity, I just want to feel alive again.